What are you looking for?

 

What do we look for in our everyday lives? That small fleeting glance of the little something we search for even with our eyes closed? Trying to keep track of what we did, what we ate in the last few hours when we don’t even remember the day anymore. Looking for a piece of ourselves to hold on to as our bodies start to float aimlessly with the warm summer breeze that reminds us of a faint melody from a song someone played one summer day when the earth seemed to stand still. When your life perfects sums up in an indie playlist that reminds you of your teenage years. The space between your warm sheets and the chill of the early morning. All the times you look away hoping to find yourself in the middle of a generic conversation with another person. Feel yourself leave your body and stare back at you- learning about yourself all over again. Urging yourself that life’s worth it and looking for reasons why. Everything- even your memories- look like old leaves forgotten in yellow pages years ago. Remembering what sober feels like when you’re so drunk on your own feelings. When you feed your body like clockwork- only to keep to the schedule you’ve tied yourself to as a price for one constant in your dizzy life. What do you stay awake for when the first thing you want to do when you wake up is to go back into your sheets. Watching days go by like a in state of dreamless sleep. Why does every trail of thought lead us back to the same truth- we’re social creatures and we always will be. In search of a heart to share your love with would you sell your soul?

Who decides where your destiny’s meant to be? And when you realise you’re the captain of the ship, who do you have to blame your misfortunes on?

Youth, I’ve decided, is one colossal quicksand that you live in where existential crisis is one of the most natural things to happen to you. That blur in your memory you can’t replace in your head because as you grow, you define it in your own sweet way. It makes you who you are and you come to embrace it, like that phantom limb you’ve come to love; with it’s flavour spreading throughout your body as you relish in the familiar feeling coursing through your veins.

We shed a part of our memory everyday just like we shed our skin, naturally, to make space for the person we’ve become today. It’s bittersweet and as we grow each day, we come to learn and love the little things that bring a smile on our faces. The pleasure and the pain- we welcome with our arms open like we’re greeting a long lost friend we’ve been searching for in our hearts to make up for all the stolen summer kisses on a rainy day and just like that, we embrace our past, live in the present and let the future reveal itself in it’s own sweet pace.

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